Telling People When There Is No Funeral

Tell the closest family first, by phone, then a few key people who can pass it on for you. After that a short message, a social media post or a death notice reaches everyone else. Say plainly that there will be no funeral, and if a memorial is planned, say that details will follow. Nobody needs a reason beyond "it is what they wanted".

When there is a funeral, the funeral does a lot of quiet work. It gives people a date, a place and something to do. With a direct cremation there is no service, so the job of letting people know lands on the family, and it often lands on one person. That person is usually also the one ringing us, finding the paperwork and answering everyone's questions. This guide is for them.

Start with the people who would be hurt to hear it second-hand

Before anything goes on Facebook or in the paper, ring the people who would be upset to find out from a post. Partners, children, brothers and sisters, and the one or two friends who were closest. A phone call is better than a text for this group, even a short one. If the news reaches them first through someone else's comment, that is the part they remember.

You do not have to make every call yourself. Pick one person on each side of the family and ask them to ring their own list. In big families spread between Far North Queensland and interstate, that one decision takes a whole evening of phone calls off your hands.

Then the wider circle, in one go

Once the inner circle knows, everyone else can hear at once. Families usually use one or more of these:

A group message. One short text or email to friends, workmates, the club, the church or the street, copied from the same wording each time.
A social media post. Often the fastest way to reach old friends and people who moved away. Wait until the close family have all been told.
A death notice. Still the way many older people in the region hear the news. It is optional, it is arranged separately from a direct cremation, and you can place one yourself. If you have never done it, Shane can point you in the right direction.
Their workplace or clubs. One phone call to the person in charge, and they will tell everyone else.

What to say when there is no funeral

This is the part people worry about, because someone always asks when the service is. A plain sentence covers it. Something like:

"Dad passed away peacefully on Tuesday. In keeping with his wishes there will be no funeral. We will let you know if we hold a get-together later on."

That is enough. You do not owe anyone a longer explanation, and most people understand straight away. Plenty of families choose a direct cremation, for the cost and because plenty of people simply never wanted a funeral. If someone pushes, "it is what they wanted" ends the conversation kindly.

If a memorial is planned, you do not need the date yet. "Details to come" buys you as long as you need. Our guide to holding a memorial after a direct cremation covers what that can look like, from a few people on a beach to a barbecue in the backyard.

Things worth putting in the message

Their full name, and the name people actually called them
That they have died, and roughly when
That there will be no funeral, by their choice or the family's
Whether a memorial or get-together might follow
What to do instead, if anything: a charity they cared about, or simply a card
Who to contact, so the questions go to one person and not to everyone

What to leave out: the home address while the house may be empty, and any detail you would not want strangers reading if the post gets shared.

The people you might forget

Every family finds someone they missed. Old neighbours, a former workmate, the hairdresser they saw every month for twenty years. If there is an address book, a Christmas card list or a phone with their contacts in it, that is your list. It is also fine to tell people late. Nobody expects a grieving family to have reached everyone in the first week.

The official notifications, like Centrelink, the bank and super, are a separate job with its own order. Our guide to the paperwork after a death splits out what we handle and what is left for the family.

Common questions

Is it rude not to have a funeral?

No. It is a common and respected choice, and often it is exactly what the person asked for. Plenty of families choose a direct cremation and then hold something personal later, in their own time and in a place that meant something. What people remember is that they were told, not whether there was a chapel.

How soon should we put something on social media?

Only once the close family have all heard it from a person, not a screen. Some families post the same day, some wait a week. There is no right time, only the right order. If in doubt, ask the closest family member before anything goes up.

Do we have to place a death notice?

No, it is optional and it is not part of a direct cremation. It is worth considering if the person had a lot of older friends who still read the paper, because that is how many of them will hear. You can place one yourself, and Shane can point you in the right direction.

What if people want to send flowers or come to the house?

Tell them what you would prefer in the message. "No flowers, please" or a charity name is perfectly fine, and so is saying the family would welcome a card instead of a visit for now. People are relieved to be told what helps.

If you are in the middle of this now and want to talk it through, ring Shane on 0461 543 517, any hour, or read more about how a direct cremation works.